Focus groups have told Hollywood that the annual glut of adaptations has turned Mr. Dickens’ beloved novel into a stale artifact in sore need of a 21st-century update.

Plans by one studio for a star-studded heartwarming holiday blockbuster have been postponed because of the coronavirus, but a treatment for the movie has been leaked.

Pour yourself a cup of eggnog, throw another fruitcake in the fireplace, and read on.

Stave One

Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail. Or so it seemed after Old Marley retired to Sarasota and stopped texting.

Ebenezer Scrooge was a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping…

Scott McLarty

Scott McLarty (@ScottTMcLarty) is former media director of the Green Party of the United States. He lives in Washington, DC.

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